3 Keys to Having Your Boundaries Respected
Earlier this year, I had the opportunity to deliver a keynote speech and breakout training session at the Event Services Professionals Association (ESPA) National Conference in Charlotte, NC. Several attendees reached out to me with insightful questions after the training session, but there was one question in particular that especially resonated with me:
How do you handle people who DON'T respect boundaries? Sometimes it feels like they are just being selfish and other times it borders on bullying.
There it is, the best B word ever - boundaries. This question really hit home because preserving and protecting our boundaries is such a universal challenge for so many of us - both inside and outside of the workplace. And while this can definitely be a challenge, it’s something that we must do well in order to be our best + most productive selves. So to answer the question, here are my three keys to dealing with others who don’t respect my boundaries:
Key #1
ASSUME THEY’RE CLUELESS AND POLITELY EDUCATE THEM.
Most folks are Level 0 self aware - whether they're outside of our industry or in the office next to us. That said, it's up to us to insist on pushing the pause button on the conversation and asking: “Hey, when you're saying X, what I'm hearing is Y and that you think I'm Z - is that what you mean?"
Giving them the opportunity to correct themselves (before they wreck themselves) can feel like a courageous act on your part with great news: your courage will breed respect by everyone who hears and sees it. At the end of the day, if you don’t show others that you respect your boundaries, then they won’t respect your boundaries either.
Key #2
SHARE YOUR BOUNDARIES AND YOUR WHY.
For example, if you say "I'm sorry I missed your call - I make sure to not have my phone from 6PM on. I'm teaching my kids how to be present and I don't want to miss a minute of them growing up," then holy smokes, how is anyone going to argue with that? Your “why” could be different, but if you've got a boundary, you've got a why. (By the way, I know my marriage just gets better the more date nights + fun we put into it, so if your priority is date nights with your spouse, SAY IT! You never know who you’ll inspire in the background while you’re focusing on your partnership.)
The out of office message I put up is a great way to explain why someone doesn't often get an instant reply from me. And if it’s a prospective client that’s emailing me, this response delivers an added bonus of communicating to them:
What I value
What makes me different
What could be a real positive for them as my client when it's their time for me to serve them
For your reference, that OOO email reply is:
Hello there! I am currently serving clients I love, doing a job I love, and focused 110% on being my best. This will soon be you and your group when I am with you, so please allow 48 hours for a response. If this is a true emergency, please call me on my cell phone at 704-626-1531 and I will call you at my earliest scheduled break time. I'm excited to chat with you and hope you're having a wonderful day!
Key #3
REMEMBER IT’S ABOUT THEM - NOT YOU.
Lots of times when you're setting boundaries for the first time (or the millionth time), it feels personal when someone steps over them. It feels as if they're pushing you, intending disrespect, or being the aforementioned bully.
The simple truth is that folks just think about themselves more than they think about others, and people who overstep or ignore boundaries often have no clue about their own. In turn, they often push their limits (or lack of) on everyone they know.
So be the change you wish to see. Stay calm, be aware, and stick to your boundaries. Show them an example of how a great professional is made greater with boundaries (not without them). Save yourself from getting all red-faced emoji about their actions towards you - after all, you're too good to waste your awesome energy on that!
And when in doubt, don't forget the final commandment: Jesus, take the wheel! 🙏🤪
Do you have someone in your life who seems to constantly push your boundaries? If so, do you think you’ll be able to implement these 3 key strategies?
Questions / Comments / Margaritas? Let me know below!