How you can support your partner through burnout

When I first met my husband - dubbed #KingSheerin by me and his many Instagram fans - I thought I had hit the jackpot.

I’ll admit - it was mostly the good looks that had me swooning at first, but as I got to know him it was his wealth and title that really got me… just kidding! I fell in love with a guy from Philadelphia who was working his way through life with a big Catholic family just like me

But what DID take me from hubba-hubba to love-of-a-lifetime was a sincere blend of his personality and his character.

Mixed in there was his supportive nature - and it turned out to be a superpower for us both.

For ambitious professionals - especially women - having supportive partners is vital. In this 2017 Harvard Business Review article, it was suggested you should stay single over having a non-supportive spouse because the lack of support can cripple careers, marriages, and happiness at alarming rates.

Now, while I can’t speak to life without a supportive partner, what I can say is that if you’re reading this blog right now you either:

A) Are that supportive partner and want to help. Good job, you!

B) Have someone in your life that you trust as your partner and want to support you through burnout or whatever tough feelings you’re having around work and life at the moment. I’m happy for you - and I want you send this link to them!

So what to do when your partner is burning out? For this blog, I turned to a few resources and personal experiences. 

FUN FACT: Did you know I quit my 6-figure job months after getting married? Talk about a late wedding present! Thanks, honey!

HOW TO SUPPORT A PARTNER THAT IS BURNING OUT:

#1: Ask questions without expecting answers: One of the most common signs of burnout is being emotionless and transactional, while also feeling lonely and isolated. Being closest, don’t stop asking questions and checking in on your partner as they are burning out. Try different questions, past the normal “How are you” and “How was work” because guess what? IT SUCKED and they probably don’t want to talk about it! Instead, try asking questions that inspire a new thought such as:

• What was the best part of your day?

• Who did you see/talk to today that you were happy to see/talk to?

• What was something you were surprised by today?

• How are you feeling on a scale of 1 to 10? — What could get you to a 10?

#2: Remind them of the good times: Not all bad things last but tough times can feel endless, especially in burnout and the marathon of change around work lately. Try bringing up memories through questions, stories, photos, and movies to your partner. If possible, ask about their memories and if they’d like to make plans for the future to return. Reflect on what was different about them then and what is the same. Studies show that nostalgia can lead to lower stress levels and boosts of happiness!

#3: Expect (and encourage) change: Rarely do people know what they are going to do for the rest of their lives, and divorce rates show us that 50% of people know who they’re going to marry for the rest of their lives. Why? In a large part, it’s because we CHANGE - and the big secret we don’t talk enough about is that we are supposed to change! A successful partnership, life, and career is one that doesn’t fight the change or expect someone to stay the exact same, but instead grows, supports and loves the evolution of the person, roles, and partnership. Reminding your partner that you support all of them, and even the parts that they are proudest of (their title, their income, their status - for example), can be a huge relief as burnout plays its tricks on telling people they’re only valuable because of certain things so we better not lose them. Take it from poet and all-around romantic aficionado Elizabeth Barrett Browning when she said: 

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

When the person you love is burning out, it can be confusing, stressful, and a lonely time for you both. But it can also be the time that your love and bond are forged even stronger - brought together by a change and growth, an understanding and deep level of support between each other. Burnout isn’t forever - but lucky us, love can be.